It happens. Students mess up in our classrooms and hallways and need to be redirected. Often, that redirection can come with a dose of conflict. Resolving conflict is essential to maintaining or repairing a relationship in any setting; but, is absolutely imperative in the crucial student/teacher interconnection. Many times our words and actions perpetuate the situation, not solve it. Teachers who intentionally resolve with a student not only avoid escalating the situation and damaging the relationship, but also help foster the process of teaching the students the skills and expectations so the behavior decreases in the future.
Let’s look at an example: You send a student to the back table because they were talking to their peer while you were trying to instruct. You get the class going on the work and then approach the student to reintegrate the student back into the classroom setting.
Sit down with the student. Standing puts adults in a “superior” posture and automatically escalates some students. Many times, our unintentional body language conveys a negative message. Standing is also one step closer to the flight instinct for highly dysregulated students. Sitting puts the adult and student on an even playing field.
Don’t revisit the past. Resolving is about preparing us for future encounters, not fixing past transgressions. The student yelled, you dealt with it, now move onto the resolve step. Restating the student’s actions will only serve to: A) Remind them they did something wrong (which they already know). And B) Make the student think that the slate isn’t clean and that the consequence given wasn’t severe enough.
Apologize unapologetically. “What? Me apologize? It was the student who was wrong!” Yes, this can be a difficult step to comprehend. However, you aren’t wishing you didn’t apply the consequence, only sorry that it had to happen. We say “Sorry” all the time for things we didn’t do. “I’m sorry to hear about your dog.” “I’m sorry you don’t feel good.” “I’m sorry your flight was canceled.” This falls under the same category. The Unapologetic Apology is also the only time one uses the word “you”.
I’m sorry I had to raise my voice at you when you were lifting the tables.
I’m sorry I had to send you in the hall during science.
I’m sorry you had to go to the back table during snack time.
I’m sorry you missed part of lunch yesterday.
That’s it. No justification for your actions, and no blaming the student. You simply state what you did as a result of their action. You are sorry because you truly wish you didn’t have to do it.
State the expectation in a positive. This is where you generically state the expectation the student did not meet. You DO NOT retell what the student did. You also do not accuse, blame, or argue with the student over what did or didn’t happen. In fact, you don’t talk about the student at all!
We all just really need to be safe in the science lab.
We all just need to be respectful to each other.
I just need to ensure that everyone completes the assignment.
We all just need to be responsible with our materials so we are ready for class.
We all need to stay in the classroom unless we have permission.
Walk in with the student. This is where you show the student that everyone, including you, are ready for a fresh start. This is your invitation to the student to join the class with a clean slate and that your positive relationship is intact. This is also where the smile counts. Your body language, demeanor, tone of voice, eyebrows, and inflection all play a crucial part in letting the student know you are still on their side.
Let’s go get some math done.
I think you will like this story, let’s head in there.
You’ve got this.
We are going to have a great day.
Thanks for your help.
This is going to be fun.
Be on the lookout. Watch intently for the student to be following the expectation and then pounce on them like a kindergartener on a graham cracker. Try to catch them following the expectation and then appropriately praise them. A quiet “nice job”, a pleasant look, a positive tap on the shoulder, a heartfelt thank you all will do wonders to restore your relationship while still maintaining expectations.
The whole resolving process will take less time in real life than it did to read this. However, ensuring that you still have a positive relationship with students is one of the single greatest indicators of future success. You, and your student, will be glad you took the time and effort to finish strong.
Dodging the Pendulum 